Supporting the Union

New county coalition is working to keep marriages together
Friday, May 13, 2005
By KARI HAWKINS
For The Times karihawk@knology.net

Circuit Court Judge Billy Bell sees both ends of the marriage spectrum - from performing joyous wedding ceremonies to presiding over hostile divorces.

As Madison County's designated family court judge, Bell often sees the remnants of marriages once filled with promise for a long happy union.

"I see the end of marriages that fail," he says. "There are very few people who haven't had their life affected by a divorce, or by a friend or family member who has divorced."

Last year, 1,800 new divorce cases were filed in Madison County, affecting 3,600 adults and thousands of children and extended families, Bell says. Alabama has the fourth-highest rate of divorce in the nation, with Madison County having one of the highest divorce rates in Alabama.

In 2000, the National Center for Health Statistics reported 957,200 divorces and 2,355,055 marriages in the United States, with 44,998 marriages and 23,529 divorces in Alabama. The U.S. Census Bureau said in 2001, the U.S. had 4.0 divorces per 1,000 residents, with Alabama at 5.3 divorces per 1,000 residents.

It is a sad state of affairs for a judge whose favorite part of the job is performing civil weddings. In his courtroom, he has a wall of pictures of couples he has married.

"I hope people look at the wall and remember how they felt on the day when they said 'I love you and want to be married to you for the rest of my life,' " he says. "But, once they get to my courtroom, it is too late to help with their marriage."

Bell hopes a new organization in Huntsville known as the Madison County Coalition for Healthy Marriages will help to lessen the number of divorce cases coming through his courtroom.

The coalition, sponsored by the Huntsville Association for Pastoral Care (HAPC), is made up of representatives from several local mental health, counseling, social, educational and religious groups. It was started in late 2004 to create a united front of professionals who can work toward providing information, support systems and community events to promote healthy marriages.

"Divorce crosses whole spectrums economically, racially, religiously," says Debbie Preece, a certified marriage educator and the coalition's coordinator. "To have a successful initiative, we have to enlist people from all sectors - churches, social services, the courts, the schools. Our community is a leader in so many ways. We also need to lead the way in helping keep marriages together."

HAPC, which supports several caring and shepherding ministries in Madison County, has taken a strong role in forming the coalition because it believes the faith community has a significant role in growing healthy marriages.

"We need to create an environment in the faith community that marriage is invaluable to society as a whole, and that marriage needs to be maintained so it can grow and be healthy," says the Rev. Frank Broyles, executive minister of the Huntsville Association for Pastoral Care.

"The church needs to make a commitment to premarital counseling, and congregations need to pledge their support of marriage unions. When problems do occur, and they will, the couple should feel comfortable turning to their church and their congregation for help."

Through its Web site (mcchm.org), the coalition is a clearinghouse for information pertaining to premarital education, marital support groups and counseling, and marriage resources. It hopes to increase community awareness of the problems associated with divorce and increase awareness of the resources available to promote healthy marriages.

The coalition is taking a proactive approach to preserving marriages and assisting in developing countywide marriage programs.

"We asked ourselves, 'Why aren't we doing anything to prevent divorce?' " says Preece. "There are a lot of programs to deal with the fall-out of divorce, but there's not many programs offered to help strengthen marriages."

With the marriage movement that started in the 1990s, Preece says a shift in thinking now is to ask "What can we do to prevent families from falling apart?"

The Madison County coalition plans to also participate in statewide programs to promote healthy marriages through the recently formed Alabama Healthy Marriage Initiative.

The statewide initiative involves the Department of Human Resources, the state's Administrative Office of the Courts, the Governor's Office of Faith-Based Programs, the Alabama Children's Trust Fund and other statewide agencies. Alabama joins such states as Utah, Arizona, Florida, Minnesota, Oklahoma, Louisiana and Arkansas in developing pro-marriage programs.

Coordinating the coalition's efforts is a personal mission for Preece, who has lived through the effects divorce has on families.

"I'm from a broken home," says Preece, who has been happily married for 21 years.  "I've experienced everything that can go wrong from a divorce. I was 9 years old when my parents divorced. Because of it, I lost my parents, my friends and my extended family. There's been a theme throughout my whole life of dealing with the effects of divorce."

Children of divorced parents often lose their sense of home and safety within the family unit. They may feel like orphans. Many have no way to process the anger and grief over their parents' breakup. These children often deal with the issues of their parents' divorce well into adulthood.

"When a marriage fragments, the children are the ones who really suffer from the experience," says Jane Bloemetjie, a licensed counselor involved with the coalition.

"We need to provide the best for our children. The fabric of our society is not as strong as it used to be. And there is a strong belief that the main reason for this is because our families aren't as strong as they used to be."

Bloemetjie said marriages need to be "strengthened" so parents can help children grow up "with good values and morals."

The coalition wants to be counted among organizations across the nation promoting healthy and long-lasting marriages, and providing programs toward that end.

"The marriage movement is trying to lift marriage up again," Preece says.

"There's a kind of cynicism about marriage, a thinking that 'this may or may not work.' People don't realize there are programs in place to deal with practically every problem you can face in marriage."

Although married couples with children are required to go through family counseling before a divorce is granted in Madison County, Bell says the best way to help children is to prevent a divorce from occurring.

"Divorce cases cause wounds that a lot of times don't ever heal," he says. "I don't think there is any way that divorce doesn't touch the parents and children adversely. We have to work on strengthening the institution of marriage for the generations of children and families to come."