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Tips For An Excellent Marriage

Here are some interesting tips to build up an excellent relationship with your spouse.  A ready and handy checklist for practice.  Please read and practice.  Knowing is knowing.  Doing is doing.  Knowing and doing are two different things.

ANNIVERSARIES

Always celebrate! Whether it's the 1st or the 50th, each year together is a triumph.

APPRECIATION

Let each other know how much you appreciate each other. You may already know but hearing it from each other is always better.

BEST FRIENDS

Be best friends preferably before being boyfriend-girlfriend. Take time to know each other so the relationship will be a deep one. Tell each other about your crushes, dreams and problems. Make sure he/she is your best friend before getting engaged. The strong bond of friendship will help you both survive tough times.

BOND

Make it a point to spend time together often but leave room for each other. Also spend time alone with each other, so that at the end of the day you could both share your experiences. This way, you stay interesting with your partner.

COMPLIMENTS

Always compliment each other. This will prevent feelings of resentment and thinking that one is being taken for granted.

DATE

Keep doings things that you both enjoy, do them together. Make time and continue to date to keep the romance - look good, smell good to maintain physical attraction

DIFFERENCES

Celebrate differences. Never force your ideologies down each other's throat. Give up trying to turn your partner into you. Accept differences and appreciate them.

FIGHTS

Fight with the aim to resolve the issue. Don't outdo each other. The longer you extend the fight, the more chances that you'll say something hurtful that you don't really mean. As mad as you were with your partner, he/she is still the person who laughs at your jokes and thinks you're hot. Hear each other out and don't dig up old issues. Choose your battles. Make sure the fight will be worth it and that something will change in the relationship as a result of the fight.

FLAWS

Know that the perfect person does not exist. Know that just as there are things that you love about him/her, there will be things that will make you go crazy. We are only human with our own flaws.

FUN

Have fun together! This means keeping the fun and spontaneity that was there in the early days. Allow yourselves to get silly - shower together. Being able to make each other laugh and see the lighter, crazier, absurd side is the best way to get through all the differences in personalities, adjustments in lifestyle and opposing viewpoints.

GOALS

Make sure you have similar goals. It would be difficult to keep your bond intact if your views are complete opposite.

GRUDGES

Quit tabulating grudges. Let it off. Discuss it, then trash it, don't recycle it.

KEEPING IT HOT

Keep it hot by traveling to different places together. A new setting will do wonders. Always have skin contact - be it holding hands, a massage or just plain leg rubbing.

HONESTY

Don't lie or hide things. The problem will only get bigger.

KNOW EACH OTHER

Learn each other's interests. It really keeps the conversation flowing!

HUG

A hug can be far better more intimate than a kiss.

IDENTITY

Don't lose your personality - that's why he/she fell in love with you. Have separate interests and activities to keep your individuality, and to be able to contribute more to the relationship.

INDEPENDENCE

Having your own income means you're the boss in your life.

IN-LAWS

Make rooms for the in-laws.

INTENTIONS

Wish each other well. Don't wish each other worst

ISSUES

Speak up about the awkward stuff now, like money and sex. The earlier, the better.

LISTEN

Listen, listen, and listen. Hear each other out especially during arguments.

LOOK GOOD

Mind your appearance! Stay fit and healthy for each other.

LOVE

It all boils down to your love, chemistry, and respect for each other.

MEMORIES

Remind each other of the old days. Do something that you used to do for each other before. It may even be corny but it made you two together. Experience new things together- from dining into a new restaurant to experiencing street food together to exploring to new places. It's the little surprises that make great memories.

MIND READING

No matter how long you've been together, do not think that you can read each other's mind.

NEEDS

Be good to yourself, and then be good to your partner. That's what love is all about. Think about your partner. Will it make him/her happy? Will she/he enjoy it? Consider each other's feelings. Be very attentive and sensitive to each other's needs, physically & emotionally, that way your partner learns to do the same for you. Never take your partner for granted.

PRIORITIES

If one says it's important, then it is! Prioritize each other among other things!

SPACE

Give each other space. Have dates with your girlfriends, have your boy's night out. If you can't trust each other with this, then don't get married.

SUPPORT

Support each other's dream. Be willing to follow your passions, support your partner in his/her decisions and create new ones together. Two heads are better than one.

SORRY

Say sorry when you're wrong.

SURPRISES

No matter how long you've known each other, be open to surprises, both good or bad.

TALK

Tell each other's stories. Life goes by so fast and it's easy to see how easily couple can grow apart. Whenever something funny, scary, exciting or juicy happened to you or to someone you know, tell each other about it and have your partner do the same. Keep each other in the loop of life.

TEAMWORK

Think for two and always work as a team. Consult each other before making a decision because everything will always affect both of you. Strengthen couple power. In many ways, we have to decide based on what is best for the relationship as opposed to our individual selves.

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LEARN to communicate effectively MAKE TIME for each other Fight FAIR Make a COMMITMENT to your relationship Express APPRECIATION	Maintain a sense of HUMOR Learn to COMPROMISE Practice FORGIVENESS Keep ROMANCE alive TAKE TIME for yourself
www.stl-healthymarriage.org

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10 Tips for Treating Your Spouse Like Royalty
By Jim Burns, Ph.D.

Parents, if you are looking for a way to strengthen your family, start by focusing on your spouse. Treating your spouse like royalty and keeeping them a priority among your many relationships is an important and intentional choice that takes work.  Yet, this is a most important work that will serve to keep your family healthy and stable.  Here are ten tips for maintaining the "magic" between you and your spouse:

1) Keep saying "I love you." These three little words are very powerful! Few people, if any, tire of hearing that they are loved. When you say "I love you" do your best to be giving your spouse your full attention. Make sure you mean it when you say it!!

2) Provide genuine, meaningful affirmations regularly. "Gee, your hair smells terrific" may be appropriate, but affirmations like "You do so much to keep our family working. I can never thank you enough for all you do" are more powerful and meaningful for making your spouse feel special.  Affirmations come in all shapes and sizes: from verbal affirmations given in-person, to voicemail or e-mail messages to notes and cards.

3) Create and maintain a regular, non-negotiable date night just for you and your spouse. (By the way, this means time away from the kids – and other friends.)  Relationships need one-on-one nourishment to stay healthy.  A regular date night can provide the quality and quantity of time needed to keep your relationship with your spouse strong.

4) Take a vacation together.  Same idea as the regular date night noted above.  A vacation with your spouse will provide you with more time to focus on one another and will give you opportunities to rekindle the romance in your life!

5) Give your spouse veto-power over your schedule. This empowers your spouse and sends a message that they are special.  It acknowledges the fact that your spouse is a partner with you in life not just another person making demands on your time.

6) Work together to learn more about marriage.  Go to marriage retreats or conferences.  Read books on marriage together and discuss what you've read.  You are never too old or have been married too long to work on improving your marriage.

7) Buy your spouse flowers or gifts.  Gifts don't have to be extravagant, but should be simple reminders of how special your spouse is to you.  Keep these gifts personal, rather than practical!

8) Surprise your spouse.  For example, kidnap your spouse from work and do something you know they would enjoy. (Be sure to check with your spouse's boss if they have one!)  Give gifts or flowers at totally unexpected times.

9) If you travel away from home, try to communicate with your spouse everyday while you are away.  Phone calls are best, followed by voicemails and e-mails.  If you want to keep your spouse feeling special, don't make comments like "This is the best time I've ever had in my life" even if it is.  "I really miss you" works much better!

10) Here is a list of creative dating ideas for you and your spouse:

• Go for a walk
• Work on a jn a jigsaw puzzle
• Play a board game
• Play "hide and seek"
• Co Cook together
• Have an overnight campout in your yard
• Participate in community service or missioon
• Get some exercise
• Find some quiet space and listen to music
 Learn a new hobby together
• Fly kites
• Write poems and read to each other

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Marriage Guide for Busy Couples
Ellen Wachtel, JD, PhD

Marriages start out tender and loving... but demanding careers and the daily job of running a home and raising children turn too many relationships into cold, methodical business arrangements.

As a marital therapist for more than 25 years, I've found that most couples have little time or energy for the complicated "relationship exercises" that are frequently suggested by some therapists. So I've developed very simple strategies built on basic truths about what makes love last. These strategies can be integrated easily into everyday life to reverse negative relationship patterns and build on positive ones. They are effective even if just one spouse starts practicing them.

• Make your spouse feel good about himself/herself -- and then your spouse will feel good about you. In strong, loving relationships, couples make ego-boosting comments to each other every day. Helpful...
• Look for admirable qualities in your partner. It becomes too easy to focus on behavior or habits that you don't like in your spouse. But with practice, you can teach yourself to find and praise those characteristics that make you feel good. Be specific when you compliment. Details add meaning to your words. "I liked the way you handled the kids' crankiness by joking about it" resonates more than just remarking on your spouse's sense of humor.
• Be emotionally generous. Encouraging your spouse to take part in a favorite activity -- even if it means he will spend time away from you -- will make him feel loved instead of guilty.
• Warm your partner's heart. In many busy marriages, expressions of caring stop. We get lazy or think these expressions won't have much significance. But loving gestures don't have to be extravagant. Small but steady displays are more realistic -- and often more meaningful. Helpful... Treat vulnerabilities as opportunities to be loving. You and your spouse have weak points. Use them as opportunities to be kind and understanding. Example: Your spouse assumes too much responsibility at work, which cuts into family time. Instead of becoming angry and voicing resentment, recognize all that your spouse accomplishes. Then sympathetically encourage your spouse to look for ways to reduce the workload or delegate more to coworkers.
• Accommodate your spouse's sensitivities. Adapting to emotional sore spots need not be complicated. Example: One couple -- an outgoing husband and a quieter wife who felt ignored in social situations -- used secret signals. When talking to others, the man would touch his wife's arm to show that he hadn't forgotten her. If she was feeling left out, she would squeeze his hand so that he would bring her into the conversation.
• Share tender, caring gestures. These could include a quick "Hi, how are you doing?" through E-mail, instant messaging or phone call... preparing a favorite meal... or helping to search for a missing item. All are nurturing and supportive. And what was once considered exclusively gentlemanly behavior -- helping with packages or a coat -- can be done for men and will be appreciated.
• Offer praise rather than criticism. Criticism erodes love and rarely results in the kind of change that you're hoping to achieve. By contrast, praise always encourages cooperation. Helpful... Notice small steps in the right direction. When you want your spouse to behave in a specific way or to remember to take care of a chore, express your appreciation when he tries.
• While it's tempting to say, "I wish you would do more around the house," tagging on a criticism overshadows your praise. If your spouse doesn't try at all, ask yourself whether it's worth fighting over or it's just easier for you to do it.
• If that's unacceptable or impossible, wait until a time when you can express your complaint without becoming angry or condescending.
• Think before you carp. When you feel the urge to criticize, ask yourself, "Is what I'm about to say really going to have a positive impact?" Then speak carefully, not hurtfully. A spouse's hurtful intent can cut every bit as deeply as harsh words. Try not to revisit old mistakes. Digging up the past is often the basis for even bigger and more painful arguments.
• Being attractive counts. "Attractiveness" is more than sexy underwear or strong muscles. Attractiveness is remaining thoughtful, engaging and interested in your spouse. Helpful... Be considerate. Feeling comfortable with your spouse is great. But that comfort level can also cause couples to intrude on each other's space or to take each other for granted.
• Show your spouse the same courtesy that you would extend to a friend. Give warm greetings after an absence... refrain from routinely unloading anger or frustration... pay attention when your spouse talks, or else explain why you're unable to give your spouse your full attention at that time.
• Continue to surprise. Romantic gestures, love notes or gifts remind your spouse you're still a couple.
• Recognize and support change. Holding on to an outdated view of your spouse can be alienating. It's far more loving for couples to acknowledge each other's new strengths, such as dealing with difficult relatives or controlling anger.
• Don't give up being lovers. The idea is to balance the needs of the relationship with other obligations. Helpful... Set aside "two-of-you" time. Block out 15 to 20 minutes each day to connect as a couple. If you have children, plan your togetherness for when the children are doing homework before dinner... or while they watch TV afterward. Stick to the routine so your kids learn to respect "grown-up time."
• Have couple conversations. Put kids and chores off-limits during your moments together. If you sometimes feel at a loss for topics to discuss, keep a running list during the day as things occur to you, from a joke to a pleasant reminiscence. Writing everything down also strengthens your own connection with personal thoughts and feelings.
• Keep on dating. Time together outside the house relieves family and job pressures and gets you to connect as you did before the marriage. Also, arrange romantic dates at home, shifting the atmosphere away from the ordinary with a special late-evening meal. And as with your daily 20 minutes together, maintain "couple conversation."
• Play hooky. Ask the sitter to stay into the evening so you can meet after work for an early dinner. Or arrange childcare for a few daytime hours on the weekend for a walk together. These small breaks in routine will seem like adventures.
• Steal a sexy moment. Even a few minutes of touching and hugging reminds couples that they are more than parenting partners. Important: Remembering the experiences that brought you together.

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Bottom Line interviewed Ellen Wachtel, PhD, psychologist and marital therapist in private practice in New York City. She is author of We Love Each Other, But...